Saturday, May 7
i ought to tell the truth about how i feel. but it's hard. i don't need any more judgement. and i know you will. oh don't deny it. we're all human, we've all got this holier-than-thou mentality. i hate it when people add annoying little 'zz's when they're chatting to me on msn. how would that be different from you condemning what i really need to say?
you told me you love me. i don't really want to let you love the real me, because i'm so messed up and the bits that i've tried to put back together don't really fit. i guess i'd rather hide some things from you, so you'll continue loving what you see of me. maybe it's a facade. maybe i'm just scared.
i'm very big on being honest. and not being afraid to say what you think, act on what you feel.
so maybe now i'll just be honest with everyone. well, everyone who's gonna read this anyway. i told jean on thursday night. i know she's shocked. which i find surprising, because i've been hinting at it for months. ever since last year, really. hate me if you like. condemn me, spit on my face. and love me if you dare.
the truth is, i'm disillusioned with the church.
i don't like what i see, the vibes i get. during the general meeting, the congregation didn't seem very bothered with what the church was doing in terms of the community, education, etc. but when it came to money, they dwelled on that topic for so long i felt sick and left. why are people more concerned with money than with the good works the church is or ought to be doing? i guess i embarrassed my father when i got up and walked out. and honestly, i don't care. so what if he's an elder? if he condones this mentality, that's not my business. i am my own person. i think the church is too secular.
furthermore.. i've become disillusioned with christians and christianity. why say you're a christian if you don't act like one? one of my greatest fears is that i claimed to be a christian without walking my talk. i cringe. i think about some of my past and present classmates. if they hadn't told me they were christians, i would never have guessed from their behaviour. i always thought the Spirit of God would shine from within. but why is it that they act like atheists? breaking rules, bitching, and 'too cool to care'. call yourself a child of God?
i hope i'm not judging them. but it just makes me think, if this is what it's like to be a christian.. i might as well not be one, since there doesn't seem to be any difference in my life. i hope people didn't look at me in the same way and think, if she's a christian, why does she get sad and depressed so often, and end up cutting herself? i was a christian in secondary school. i believed in God. i might have gotten depressed and ended up feeling like there was no way out.. but i always turned to my favourite song.. God will make a way. i believed in what that song promised. i saw true christians in my friends. they helped me see the light when all i saw were clouds and darkness. even though i didn't tell them about a lot of things til now.
but these past few months.. i've become more and more disillusioned with the faith. i watch myself trudging to school every morning, dreading the day. i watch myself blatantly disobeying what God says about men and women. and i stop caring. i don't know why. no, i do. because here, no one cares. at least, if they bother about what you are doing, it is only to condemn you and judge you, it is not because they care for you as a person, a soul.
i want to stop being involved in church, but if i tell my parents they will panic and ground me from everything til i'm fifty.
i tried to tell my sister last year but i think she panicked too.
i think i'm going to stop calling myself a christian because i don't think i'm one anymore. i don't act like it. i question life and what it holds. i can't be bothered with a lot of my neighbours. i am scornful of many things. my heart is cold and hardened now. and i've stopped asking God to bless people, cos i don't see any blessings happening. maybe i am being unfair and He will strike me down. i know He exists, i know all everything theoratically. but in my heart i'm not sure if i want to have anything to do with the people who call themselves His children but are like any other.
i don't feel God anymore.
and yes, this is what i have become. no more than anyone else, no less. condemn me to hell if you like. i need to figure my life out. i don't want to lie. so. until i get my faith back, until i am convinced that christianity is real in this world and not just a pretty facade, i am not going to call myself a christian.
but my parents are going to give me hell when they find out. maybe i should keep it from them. keep up the facade in front of adults, act like everything's all right, just to avoid all the trouble and irritating business of having to talk to them when i have better things to do. oh gosh. more pretending. is there ever a way out? i really dread seeing their faces when they find out. i bet they'd whip me if they still could. maybe send me for counselling. very probably ground me. i would do that if it were my kid.
i know some people are shocked, and some people saw it coming all along. what can i say? if you don't like this, don't like me, please go away and mind your own business.
and now i have to finish reading up for my sea essay. then write it. repeat process for int hist essay. do chinese. math. lit. study for hist. math. they say life is cyclical. i say life is a joke. here my happy-happy week ends. i had 7 days of being cheery.
it must've been love.
5:26 pm
xoxo
